As I reflect on the past year, many things stick out… COVID, George Floyd, the presidential election, vaccinations… but one thing stands out to me more than any of these, and that is the passing of my beloved father. As we approach the one-year anniversary of his death, I am filled with emotions. It has been a roller coaster of year. There have been highs, but there have been lows. Thankfully, I am built strong and resilient!
There have been days I hardly wanted to get out of bed. There have been nights I woke up sobbing. I have cried during runs, I regularly want to call him, I look for signs of him everywhere, and I feel peace when I know that he is with me. I was blessed. I was born into a family that got along beautifully. My parents, my bother, and I have always enjoyed each other. To the point that I would call them my best friends. I feel so lucky, since family dynamics are often the root of so much sadness and anger. My family is always accepting of everyone, is game for anything, and grateful for everything. That made losing my father that much harder. I lost a part of me. I lost a quarter of my birth family, and I lost a mentor and best friend. I wasn’t ready to lose him!
My dad had heart disease and it had been touch and go on occasion. I had gotten to the point where the pit in my gut would explode when I saw a text asking me to call my brother, or an early morning call from my mom or bother. My anxiety would skyrocket, and I would call them back with a heavy heart. I worried about how I would handle and process his death. I worried about the pain and loneliness that I would feel. I worried about living my life without him. I worried about missing him. I worried about feeling genuinely happy and whole again. And then on May 19, 2020, my worries became a reality. With me by his side, he crossed over. I am honored that he trusted me and loved me enough to let me be by his side. The anxiety of not knowing the future was replaced with a deep and dark void. Few would know the true depth of my mourning since I am resilient and continued to show up in my life in a powerful way, because I knew that is how I could best honor him!
Less than a year before he passed, I was mountain biking with him in the mountains in Idaho. He was on his e-bike and it was challenging for me to keep up. He loved being outdoors and in the mountains. When I think about his death, I can’t help but remember that just 10 short months before he peacefully passed, I was enjoying the mountains he loved so much. It doesn’t seem like he could have made such a steep decline, but the universe has a plan and we are each on a unique and individual journey.
Not a day goes by where my dad does not cross my mind multiple times. I talk to the birds on my runs, knowing that he is checking in on me. I feel him and reassure him that I am okay. That I am strong. That I will always love him, and I know he will always love me. Not a day goes by where I wouldn’t do just about anything just to be hugged by him, hear his laugh, and see his dimples just one more time. I understand he is here with me. I believe he is in a beautiful place surrounded by love and light, but I also know that I have a physical body. I am not just a spirit being housed in a body, and every cell in that body misses him more than I can express in words. It is not something I can describe. It is something I feel, and that depth of emotion does not correlate with actual words.
I will love my dad forever and always. Memories of the amazing 41 years we spent together will continue to flood me and bathe me in love. For I am beyond blessed to have walked this earth with him. I am beyond blessed to have called him my dad. I am beyond grateful that we choose each other in this life!
On this 1-year anniversary, I am celebrating his incredible life by hiking 26.5 miles in the Grand Canyon with my brother. What could be better than playing in the abundance of ancestral energy housed in the vast red rocks. On this day I recommit to being the best that I can be. On this day I recommit to being accepting and loving to all. On this day I recommit to all the passions my dad and I shared! On this day I recommit to daily personal growth. And on this day I remember that we are stars that grace the earth for a short while, to sparkle and shine in all our glory.
“We have calcium in our bones, iron in our veins., carbon in our souls, and nitrogen in our brains. 93 percent stardust, with souls made of flames. We are all just stars that have people names.” -Nikita Gill
And as I read through his obituary, it embraces his passion and love for life. He was one of a kind and I hope I make him proud every single day! I love you dad- your Princess Kiwi
“Allan Patzer, 71, beloved husband, father and respected by all, passed in the home he built on (Day or Date). Allan was a gentle giant with a booming voice who spent the last 50 years skiing Baldy and loving Sun Valley. In addition to skiing, Allan loved motorcycling, mountain biking, waterskiing, golfing, camping and spending time with his dogs. A steadfast friend to animals, Allan loved nature and the night sky. Allan was truly awake every moment of his time on Earth and never let an opportunity to enjoy life pass him by. Allan’s great love for his family and his friends was the center of his life, and he continues to be loved by his wife, Midge, of 49+ years, his children, Trevor and Hilary, Trevor’s wife, Mari, Hilary’s partner, Travis, and his granddaughter, Sofie.
One of Allan’s favorite sayings is, ‘humans and animals are 93% star dust.’ Allan has returned to his rightful place among the stars.”